Do you remember the last time you didn’t seriously consider thinking about the future? I do. Or at least I just realized this past week that I did. It was freshman year of college in Chicago. Yes there were short moments of distress but there was always “if this doesn’t work out there is always ____” reasoning. There was nothing to be scared of. Yes my life had certain little hiccups in the road: a crazy roommate so I was forced to move, but that was the first of like few if any other big changes that helped improve my life. I met new awesome friends and was happy or at least content. It was school year of carefree-ness. It was such a great time and yet like…I’m an adult now and it scares me. This was the last few moments of childhood, adolescence took place here. Now all I do is worry. Worry about money worry about the future. That was the last year of beginnings where your life still had time to take shape and figure out who you are as a person. The last beginnings of trying things out, exploring without worrying about how will it effect my career.
It is such a strange feeling to look back to see how far you have come, mentally, experience, age-wise. Not to say I am a different person, I am kind of the same but just I have priorities and have learned and discovered so much. Some people would say at this part “if I only knew then what I know now” well I’m glad I didn’t know what I know now because this shit scares me. Adulthood is scary, figuring out how close you are getting to making a life choice like what you are going to do for maybe not the rest of your life but the bulk of the rest, not just like four years, scares the shit out of me. It is sad because back then I couldn’t to grow up and now it is the opposite.
I think that’s why coming back to Chicago I feel a bit unsettled. It could also be why i wasnt in such a hurry to come back. I really do love this city. It is jam packed with some fantastic memories. It is such a huge confliction because I wrestle with myself for leaving this place because of all the people that came out of it. Yes, New York will always be the best city in the world….but should I really have gone back there for school? Not much good came out of Marymount aside from one great friend. So much good came out of Chicago. I didn’t have to stay there like move there after but I could have at least finished.
I miss being a kid and it is crazy to know the last time, the last moment, you changed from kid to adult. The end of your youth.