On Post-April 6th Change.

As most of you know from a previous post, my brother passed away a few months ago. I still can’t believe it’s been almost three months. 2015 is halfway through and already it has been such a difficult year. Not just with him, but with other family issues and just personal struggles with career choices and basic adulthood problems. It hasn’t been just for me though, I’ve noticed around me my friends and family struggling through this “trying” (to say the least) year. Though with this intensely difficult year there are some positives: I participated in a comedy festival in Tulsa, I started out the year ringing it in with my family in Vermont, I’m healthy, I’ve met some great people and reconnected with some equally great others

Still with the excitement and fun that I have been having it’s pretty clear that Kelly pre-April 6th is quite a bit different than Kelly post-April 6th. It’s the first time in my life where I notice I’m different. Sure I mean you change a little when you graduate high school, college, etc, but I was still that same person. Now though, things are different.

People you know die. It happens. Now you see it on Facebook and you’re unsure whether or not to keep those people as Facebook friends because they’re never going to post again, it may be weird skimming over their name when you have an event you’re creating etc. But when someone important to you passes, it kind of raises the stakes of your life, if that makes sense. Especially when they’re so young and kind of were the picture perfect definition of “invincible.” It makes you realize how precious life is and how, here’s my motto, you only live once.

To describe my brother in one word it would be “fierce.” He was a monster, the good kind, like Sully but with muscles. He loved fiercely, worked out fiercely, and lived fiercely. We were kind of the opposite. He was fierce for living in the moment, he never really focused on the future while I kind of planned things, is much more calm and, to be honest, lazy. He worked out constantly, I slept more. To put it perfectly, when we went to Florida together every morning for breakfast at Ihop he’d have a Philly cheesesteak sandwich and I had pancakes or french toast. Completely different people, yet we got along and stuck together like peanut butter and jelly.

But since his passing I’ve realized that I have taken on the Michael way of life. I’ve been doing things that I usually wouldn’t do. I do things impulsively, living for the now, and just taking a shot at the night. Sure, there are some consequences but it’s always my subconscious that says to me while doing these things “Michael would be proud of you for doing this.” Of course, there’s some things he did that I will never do, I’d be an idiot to not have learned from his mistakes and I’m not completely changed, but it’s clear to see his influence on my life. I may end up regretting things, like splurging more on purchases (drinks and trips mainly) and losing my wallet and never sleeping, but those things are replaceable right? You can take a day to sleep in, I can replace all my wallet stuff, and I can just work and get more money. Ultimately, life is precious and you shouldn’t go crazy but you can’t just sit there and let the world pass you by, you need to have some fun.

It’s weird how people deal with grief. But I’ve cried enough for him, he knows I’ll always miss and love him, he’d be happier to see that I’m okay and having fun. He may be gone but it’s nice to see that some of his personality and way of life now is now apart of me.


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One response to “On Post-April 6th Change.

  1. Pingback: DAY THIRTY-SIX: New Blog. | 100 Days of Writing

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