Tag Archives: life

Love what you do.

Hey guys, the year is almost over, how the hell did it happen? Who knows. Anyway, this year has been tumultuous — to describe it in one word. Lots of shit went down personally and just world-wise. Ultimately, you have to focus on the good and what makes you feel good, for me? It’s stand up comedy.

I’m not sure if you guys are familiar with my like “story” but I’m from NJ and I moved to LA to do comedy. I started out doing improv, did some in NYC, but right now I’m focusing on stand up and writing online sketches. Sure I could’ve started in NYC…but I’m dumb and also I just wanted to live somewhere warm, so I mainly started out here. It can be a struggle booking shows, writing material, and just being consistent but man, do I love it.

Everyone has a different journey to happiness. Sometimes are family driven — they work a boring day job but have a family and spend all the time in the world with them. Some are career driven — they just focus on work. Some are just life experience driven — they work but spend their money on doing stuff like traveling and seeing the world. And, some people are just extremely lucky and are all three. I think no matter how much I want to find love (I mean doesn’t anyone?) I am a see-saw in between the life experience and career driven. I love traveling but also, I love stand up comedy.

There has been many a night where I feel shitty and sad because I’ve been working all day and I don’t want to go to an open mic or a show I’m on, I’m just feeling unfunny and not good, but I push myself. I push myself to go and then 9 times out of 10 I feel 1000% times better for doing so. Why? Because man, nothing feels better than just making a room laugh. You write something that’s all you, you perform it, and people love it and laugh at it — it’s like seeing your baby thrive, you know? Jokes are my babies. I struggle a lot at mics and with the idea of me losing my funny but it is like the universe knows when you feel shitty because right when you’re super low you have a killer set and feel like you’re on top of the world again.

It’s not even just that, sometimes it’s just surrounding yourself with great people that do what you do. I have other friends that don’t do comedy and they’re great and I love them, but sometimes you just need your comedy friends. It’s such a relief to just riff about comedy specials or discuss ideas for bits with people that just fucking know and relate to it. We’re the same type of person, we don’t have to explain why we like comedy or why we started doing it — we just know and get each other. We don’t even have to be talking about comedy all the time (but honestly we do pretty frequently) but just being with each other it is a certain level of comfort. We get each other without ever announcing it, you know?

I feel very, very lucky to be apart of such a cool community like this. In a way, I have automatic built in friends. I just went on a hike with someone yesterday who I’ve never seen do a set but because we were both comics we were like “yeah of course we’ll hang and be friends” it is just like that sometimes.

In a way, I have no clue what it is like being a normal adult. I work a day job with some other comics, then at night I go to mics and shows up until 2am sometimes. I’ll write in between or have a night focused on that. But right now my life is comedy. Some days I wish it wasn’t, some days I wish I was fine settling in NJ with some dude and creating a family while at work at the hospital as a receptionist but man…how boring would that be? Sure I would definitely be saving money and I could be traveling more but is that what life fulfillment is supposed to be? Waiting on the next vacation after the next? I want something everyday that’ll excite me, that’ll motivate me. As much as it stresses me out, I love doing comedy. It makes me feel like I’m doing something with my life even though honestly I’m just telling poop jokes on stage. I guess some people have hobbies that make them happy in their daily lives, I have no time, it’s just comedy. And you know what? I don’t think I would have it any other way.

Your life is what you make of it, make sure you’re doing something with your life that you love and the happiness will just follow through.

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Stop Worrying!

A lot of times before I start a post on here I already have an idea of what to write but this time I skimmed some previous posts to see what I should focus on. From reading previous posts it looks a lot that I worry a lot — and I do. Whether it is worrying about ending something, the future, writer’s block, it is just constant worry. Constant worry of aging and what is to come, too. Re-reading all of them just makes me worried about myself and how much I worry! So, to balance it out, let’s talk about ways to not worry and not stress.

1. Be positive and optimistic – I know it can be incredibly hard especially when the bad stuff feels very bad. You have to look at what you have – your heath, a home, a roommate that you don’t start shit with, friends that care, parents that are the greatest and most supportive in the world – some people don’t have any of that. Start with that. I like to focus on my health and how much I love working out and how proud of myself I am for coming so far with that. I used to be lazy and it took a while to get fit, but now here I am. I used to work out a lot with my brother and I know he’d be pretty proud of me.

2. Distract yourself – See all those positive things you have? Use them to distract yourself! Go hang out with your friends, go for a run, call your mom! Well…maybe calling your mom will make you worry more, haha, but the others won’t! Have fun and live in the present. If you want to go trampolining today that won’t fuck up your future, if anything it’ll make you more happy for it.

3. Plan it out – If something really is worrying you that much that it’s eating away at you plan it out or talk to it head on. Sometimes this may make you worry more though but if it’s something like sorting out a schedule or something you could benefit from it. Just don’t get carried away and still try to think positive!

Those are some things you can do, what do you do to stop worrying?

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On Endings.

Sometimes life doesn’t go your way, it’s all about finding that balance of searching for happiness and being content but also being productive and working towards your goals.

Right now let’s just say I am not the happiest. A lot of moments in life leave you feeling kind of alone and “What’s the point?” but you have to find that point you have to find that reason why you’re doing what you’re doing. You have to realize that there’s still time left.

I am a very stubborn person that, even though I don’t like to admit it, is very much lead with my emotions and even when I’m told to do something like move on and stuff I won’t because it feels better to do the other thing even though it’s wrong and even though it might make me feel worse after. I also lack patience and when people say “it’ll take time” I just don’t want to wait. I want to fix something that others will argue is unfixable or broken. Maybe because me being stubborn but also maybe because I hate quitting. I am not a quitter.

Sometimes you have to realize though quitting something isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes you just have to let go of things you love to make them better. There’s a reason you can’t do everything. To be super hippy dippy, there’s a reason flowers grow and are pretty and it has nothing to do with you, you know? Things exist and can be great without you. The problem is when you find that something and you think it’s great and it ends. Maybe you did not want it to end but sometimes you don’t have a choice.

Ultimately, with life sometimes you are not in control of making decisions and sometimes things end or things change even though you don’t want them to. The only thing you can do is focus on yourself and what you can control and the decisions you can make to make your life better. You can argue your life is not as good now because someone made a decision that you didn’t want, guess what? There’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t go back in time, you can’t fix something if someone else doesn’t want to. The hardest thing is knowing what you know and how it will not help anything. No matter how hard you try no matter what you can do if something or someone doesn’t want what you want anymore you can’t push it. Magic isn’t real. You can’t wave a wand over problems and make them okay.

What can you do? Plan for the future. Plan on getting happy again or make decisions that you know will make you happy or at least busy enough where you’re not focused on being sad. Focus on the good, because I know it can be hard to find sometimes but good is out there. You might be feeling dark and not needed but believe me you are wanted and people like being around you, just be around again. Keep yourself busy, focus on work and accomplishing goals. When you focus on other things your brain becomes too busy for sad.

Life is tricky and whenever you think it’s going well it throws a wrench in your plans and you have to start from square one again. You can learn from those wrenches and get better or you can waste your time and cry about it. It might be a while for things to change and go back to you being content and happy but that doesn’t mean you won’t get there again. Time is the worst and the best because whenever you’re having fun you zoom through it but when you’re miserable it’s like walking through mud — takes forever, but it’s always there and in an odd way it will always help.

Also remember that the time wasn’t wasted. You may feel like it was now but eventually you’ll look back, appreciate the memories and events, and see that you’ve grown from it. Once again, it’s just that time thing that might take forever, but it’ll be okay.

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On Time.

Time is probably the best and worst thing to exist. It’s great when it speeds up so you can do an activity you were planning on doing or seeing someone again that you were looking forward to seeing, but it is also the worst because of that.

I remember when I was younger, even in high school, things too FOREVER. I couldn’t wait to grow up and get out of there. High School is only four years. I have lived in Los Angeles for four years and it seems like I haven’t been here for that long at all. I wish we could go back in time to our younger selves to say “HEY STOP RUSHING THINGS, ENJOY THESE MOMENTS,” but let’s be honest, would we really listen to ourselves? Probably not. We can practically speed up time, but we can never rewind it.

Looking back on this year I have grown so much. If you look at May 2015 Kelly she was still pounding out comedy, but mostly having fun with it. Just goofing. Partying quite heavily. Probably because she was having more fun partying and not worrying about things then living life. She was growing good friends, but I mean a month prior her brother passed so she was still not 100%. May 2016 Kelly is much happier. She doesn’t party as much because  she doesn’t need to to have fun. I’ve always been into working out but now I do it almost everyday, I think maybe off 2 days a week if that, so a total of 5 days working out. She has a stable job that she enjoys, last year Kelly lost her job in March. She found love, last year Kelly did not even believe in it. It is so crazy how a year changes everything. I still have the same sense of humor, I’m still the same person, but I’m just happier. I still struggle with things like my career and staying happy but that’s just me. It’ll work out one day.

Ultimately though, enjoy the moments, don’t rush things even if they suck right now. Last year they weren’t that great but I can still pick out some awesome memories that I had last year. Sometimes when times are tough the good times are just way better, like diamonds in the rough almost. Things do get better, take time, as cheesy as this sounds, cherish every moment.

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The year so far…

2016 is off to a pretty great start. While there are some things stressing me out I think it is because life can’t be completely perfect. The whole point of life is searching for happiness, right? Sure there are moments of happiness and levels of happiness. For instance, you’re happy when you find someone you love, you’re happy when you get a job you like, but then you’re even more happy, next level happy, when you have both.

I have a tendency of being more negative than positive so sometimes it is nice for me to write why I am happy and why I am excited for this year. Sometimes when you read everything — see it there in plain sight — you learn to appreciate it more. Now I know November is usually the month to be thankful for but I already am so so thankful for this year and I know it’s going to to be a great one. Here are some reasons why:
  1. My health – I feel like I’m the most fit as I have ever been which is a bit unusual because I have been working out a little less than usual. I also think though my sort of “content-ness” with my body actually made me lose more weight. Sometimes focusing too much on working out and eating right stresses you out and you end up not losing weight but then when you kind of stop caring and just do what you like — it works out more for you.
  2.  My job – I recently had a great nanny job. I’m not a big kid person, I even consider myself the opposite of that but these kids are great. Unfortunately it is only part time and I received the opportunity to start working at another job next week. It’s a work at home and full time job, so I feel I can get more work done and save on gas. I am pretty sad that I have to stop playing with these kids but you do have to grow up sometime, you know.
  3. My relationships – As you know, December was a bit of a bumming month, I did some silly stuff and almost ruined something with a person I love. Fortunately, I’m a pretty lucky person and we’re back together, better than ever. Not only just him, my boyfriend, but I just have a great group of friends. I live with one of my favorite people, my roommate, and get to spend time with a bunch of other of my favorite people at open mics and shows. I never get sick of them. Sometimes I am weird though and get paranoid that I’m bugging them too much and apologize but they’re usually just like “what? no you’re not stop it.”
I think I just worry that something bad is going to happen all of the time. I’m not used to being this happy. I don’t remember if I have ever been this happy. So I’m just waiting for this bridge to collapse or something. When you aren’t used to all these good things you just expect the worst all of the time. I have to kind of stop myself from thinking negative and just enjoy it. Enjoy life and be happy because this year is going to be the best yet.

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Windblown World Book Inspiration-ish.

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Currently I’m reading “Windblown World: The Journals of Jack Kerouac 1947-1956.” It has been taking me a while to get through because I’ve been savoring every last bit of it. It’s kind of refreshing and interesting reading a book that wasn’t supposed to be a boo, just thoughts and personal stories inside someone’s head he wrote for himself. You get to peak inside his brain and though process. You see how much he committed to writing and working and yet how frustrated he still was with life being a 26 year old. It’s eerily relatable, at least in the latter instance.

You learn what the world was like back then and how everything changed. Johnny Depp’s review of the book says it best: “…it is for all of us who are curious about a time where innocence was still a possibility. Reading Kerouac’s thoughts, hopes, and dreams brings us back to the important things in life: living, loving, breathing, truth, thinking, hoping, caring, dreaming, laughing and moving, always forward.”

I haven’t read a book this good in such a long time (rereads don’t count). It’s insanely inspiring but also disheartening. While I do relate to him in some instances, as I’m sure most of us can, I can never be him or remotely like him. I know it’s an obvious statement, but it still makes me sad. The man wrote thousands of words a night, stayed up late into the night/early morning doing so. He went on late night walks to clear his head. He wrote/partied/spent time with his friends (Allen Ginsberg and Neal Cassady). He simply lived. And I feel like I just can’t.

I love writing, I really do, but in a society surrounded by devices meant for procrastinating like television and the computers, I have trouble motivating myself. I’m one of the average people that succumb to technology instead of creating and making every day.

While I’m impressed by Kerouac, it was a different time back then where these devices dint rally exist yet. Of course that is no excuse because he was a great writer. But, in a way, I’m kind of more impressed by the writers of today that make it. They don’t get distracted and commit to producing A+ work (I’m looking at you Robert Galbraith aka J.K.). So while I struggle still, hopefully I’ll overcome these obstacles and just be more like them. I’m just afraid that I’m too weak to and time is running out.

So while I don’t know what will become of me, at least I can continue to be inspired by a man who made it. Who knows, maybe I’ll get struck with an idea someday soon. Here’s to hoping.

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What I’ve Learned from Moving Across Country.

I pride myself in being honest, sometimes too honest, but I’m not one for telling false truths, especially in this blog. So I am going to start this off by apologizing for being negative here, but it’s not complaining it’s just me telling it like it is and sometimes it isn’t good.

Today marks my third year living in Los Angeles, crazy right? Time flies. Today also marks the third year anniversary of making the biggest mistake of my life which was, in fact, moving here. Of course I didn’t know this at the time, I was so blinded by stars in my eyes, the idea of starting off fresh, sunshine, and a new future. Ever since I was a kid I was just obsessed with the idea of California, I don’t know why, I guess Hollywood and “making it” appealed to me. I was stubborn too. I remember years back when Tina Fey’s “Bossypants” came out I went to her book signing and asked her if I should move to Chicago or stay in NYC, she said “for improv Chicago, but for standup here.” Instead I didn’t take her advice at all and moved to this shit hole. Why? Because I’m dumb.

Driving cross country to start a new life may sound terrifying to some but to me it was exciting, I was and am one of those people that really doesn’t think much about making huge life changes, which ultimately was a major flaw in this plan. I was one of the countless idiots that moves to Los Angeles to start a career in comedy and acting, but unlike a lot of those idiots, I lived next to New York City. Instead of giving that city a chance I just sped here, furious and confident that it will all start here.

Only it didn’t and it hasn’t. Sure I have done a slew of stand up shows, improv shows, and host gigs but I could have done it all in Manhattan if I tried harder. In fact, I did start out doing improv and stand up there, I should have just kept at it. Every time I go home to visit I am pretty successful with landing a stand up gig, I’m sure if I made an attempt living there I’d be going up more often that I do out here.

We also all know that acting, stand up, and improv does not pay the bills at first or at all in my case so I am struggling with finding a job. I did some great internships there which does not help one bit out here in getting a job, even if it is the same company (coughviacomandclearchannelcough). Now that several years have passed the internships are becoming more and more irrelevant and the ability to get a job in the “industry” is becoming less and less attainable. So, although I have a college degree, I am stuck with getting jobs that most people who don’t have college degrees have.

Up until, oh two days ago when people ask “how long have you been out here?” I’ve been saying “two and a half years,” because I am too ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve accomplished nothing in that long of a time span. I’ve reached probably the lowest point of my life, I have never been so angry, depressed, jealous, and defeated, but what does one do in this situation? I also refuse to admit failure, so while moving back home may not mean failing to some/most people it does to me and I cannot do it, so that leaves me stuck here at the bottom.

Sure, I met some good people and have had some good experiences, but the bad outweighs the good extremely in this case. The moral of this story is to maybe stop being that spontaneous person and think about what I’m about to do in major life decisions. I’d like to think that there’s an alternate universe where there’s a Kelly that thinks things through and this Kelly is living in Manhattan with a job she loves and just happy.

I’ve lost all hope in a happy ending because that’s what I’ve been hanging onto all of these years and nothing has happened. I don’t know what comes next but I’m pretty sure it can’t be much worse than this.

So what have I learned from moving across country? Don’t.

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